Growing Up as the Well Sibling: Invisible Doesn’t Mean Unaffected

I first heard the term “the Well Sibling” while at an eating disorder conference. This was the first time I had encountered this language, and the speaker shared about her experiences as the Well Sibling to a sibling with a severe eating disorder. She was advocating to the health professionals in the room to better inform parents and siblings about this phenomenon, so that we can more intentionally support the Well Sibling.

Most of the conference was focused on supporting clients with eating disorders, but I felt deeply grateful that she helped us look beyond the identified patient and consider the siblings who might also be silently struggling. Reflecting on it later, I realized how significant it was to finally have a name for this experience. Despite years of counselling and mental health work, I had never heard this term before — a reminder of how invisible Well Siblings can be.

So what exactly is a Well Sibling? And why does this matter?

What It Means to Be a Well Sibling

The term Well Sibling describes a child in a family where one sibling is experiencing significant physical or mental illness, disability, or ongoing crisis, while the other sibling appears to be coping. Research consistently shows that this experience can have meaningful emotional and developmental impacts, even when the Well Sibling seems outwardly “fine.”

A large research synthesis examining siblings of children with chronic illness found that Well Siblings often experience emotional strain, family disruption, and long-term adjustment challenges — experiences that may go unrecognized or unsupported (Havill et al., 2019).

When one child’s needs are understandably urgent and ongoing, parents’ emotional energy and attention can become stretched thin. In these circumstances, Well Siblings may learn to manage their needs independently or minimize their struggles — not because they are unaffected, but because their needs feel less important by comparison.

A related term sometimes used is glass child. Like glass, these children are visible and present, yet their inner experiences can be easily looked through rather than truly seen.

Coping by Learning to Take Up Less Space

Growing up as a Well Sibling often involves learning how to take up less space. Many adult Well Siblings describe becoming skilled at regulating their emotions, staying quiet, and avoiding adding to the strain their family was already carrying. Some take on roles as peacemakers, mediators, caregivers, or emotional anchors within their families.

Research supports this lived experience. Parents frequently report that Well Siblings are impacted emotionally by their sibling’s illness, yet many families do not seek psychological support for them (Pediatrics & Child Health, 2016). The absence of support is often not intentional, but rather a reflection of limited capacity within already overwhelmed systems.

Over time, Well Siblings may internalize the belief that being “okay” is helpful — or even necessary. At the time, this way of coping often makes sense. It can help protect parents, support siblings, and create a sense of stability during uncertainty. For some Well Siblings, staying out of the way may even offer a sense of control: “At least I can manage myself.”

However, what is adaptive in childhood can leave lasting imprints. As adults, Well Siblings may notice patterns such as minimizing their own struggles, feeling uncomfortable asking for help, or equating need with failure.

Research highlights the importance of communication in shaping how Well Siblings process these experiences. When illness-related communication is limited or unclear, siblings may struggle to make sense of what is happening, reinforcing emotional suppression or self-silencing (Jaaniste et al., 2022).

Even when the family crisis has resolved, the roles often remain.

The Quiet Grief of the Well Sibling

Grief is often woven through the Well Sibling experience, though it may not be recognized as such. This can include grief for a sibling relationship that felt altered, for a childhood shaped by responsibility, or for a sense of safety that felt inconsistent.

Qualitative research with siblings of individuals with eating disorders illustrates this complexity well. Siblings describe intense, conflicting emotions, ongoing disruption to family life, and a deep sense of emotional ambiguity — loving their sibling while feeling unseen themselves (Garley & Johnson, 1994).

Acknowledging this grief does not diminish the suffering of the unwell sibling. It simply recognizes that multiple truths can exist at once. One of the most important things to understand about growing up as a Well Sibling is that resilience does not mean there was no impact. Being “fine” on the outside does not mean the experience was neutral.

Naming the Well Sibling experience is not about blame. It is about understanding. For many adults, having language for this part of their story brings relief, validation, and permission to reflect on how early family roles may still be shaping their present relationships, boundaries, and sense of self.

Getting Support as a Well Sibling

In my therapeutic work, I often work with clients who are Well Siblings, and we begin by gently turning inward to notice what their needs truly are — sometimes for the first time. This might involve exploring boundaries, unpacking long-held beliefs about responsibility and worth, and learning that care does not need to be earned.

If you grew up as the Well Sibling, you may have learned to stay quiet, capable, and composed — not because you didn’t matter, but because you were trying to survive and protect the people around you. You were strong because you had to be. And you are allowed to need support now.

My hope is that this blog connects with those who hold these experiences. You are not alone, and your experiences within your family matter. At our counselling practice in Vancouver, including Kitsilano and surrounding neighbourhoods, we regularly support adults who grew up as Well Siblings and are beginning to understand how these early family roles still shape their lives. If you are interested in exploring these feelings further, we would be honoured to support you should you choose to reach out for counselling.

References

• Havill, N. L., Fleming, L. K., & Knafl, K. A. (2019). Well siblings of children with chronic illness: A synthesis research study. Research in Nursing & Health, 42(5), 334–348.
  https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31418465/

• Jaaniste, T., et al. (2022). Illness-related communication in families of children with life-limiting conditions. Journal of Pediatric Psychology, 47(5), 606–616.
  https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35552431/

• Pediatrics & Child Health (2016). Emotional support for siblings of children with chronic illness.
  https://academic.oup.com/pch/article/22/suppl_1/e2/3855365

• Garley, D., & Johnson, B. (1994). Siblings and eating disorders: A phenomenological perspective. Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 1(3), 157–164.
  https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15835316/