If you identify with the term “perfectionist” or you have been told that you seem to have high expectations of yourself, this blog post is for you! In the fast-paced and often demanding world we live in, where expectations and pressures seem to be constantly on the rise, it’s easy to forget the importance of being kind to ourselves. In fact, we sometimes develop an inner critic to motivate us and help us keep up with high expectations that are placed on us from parents, partners, academia and the work place. Fortunately, the concept of self-compassion, pioneered by psychologist Kristin Neff, has emerged as a powerful tool for promoting mental well-being and resilience. You may have heard this term before, OR your therapist may have even brought it up to you. If you’re like many other people who have a critical voice that has helped them achieve what they’ve needed to achieve you might feel some resistance to it.  I encourage you to keep any open mind, as in this blog post, we will explore the origins of self-compassion, define what it is, provide specific examples of how to practice it, and delve into research supporting its effectiveness.

The Origins of Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff, a renowned psychologist and researcher, is credited with developing the concept of self-compassion. Her work, which began in the early 2000s, has since gained widespread recognition and has been a catalyst for change in the field of positive psychology. Neff defines self-compassion as treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding one would offer to a good friend, especially in the face of setbacks, failures, or difficult moments. If your therapist has ever asked you “would you really say that to a friend?” this might be what they’re getting at!

How Do I Use Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion consists of three main components, as outlined by Neff:

1. Self-Kindness: Imagine you’ve made a mistake at work that feels embarrassing. Instead of berating yourself with thoughts like, “I’m so stupid,” practice self-kindness by saying, “It’s okay; everyone makes mistakes. What can I learn from this experience?”
   • Self-Criticism: “I’m just not good at this, and I’ll never succeed.”
   • Self-Compassion: “It’s normal that it takes me some time to learn a new skill. Learning skills takes time, and it’s okay to not be good at everything right away.”
2. Common Humanity: When facing a personal challenge, remind yourself that you are not alone in your struggles. If you’re feeling overwhelmed as a parent, for example, acknowledge that all parents face difficulties. This shared humanity can reduce feelings of isolation.
   • Self-Criticism: “I’m the only one struggling with this. I must be a terrible parent.”
   • Self-Compassion: “Parenting is challenging, and many parents feel overwhelmed at times. I’m not alone in this experience.”
3. Mindfulness: Suppose you’re feeling anxious about an upcoming presentation. Instead of ignoring or pushing away those anxious thoughts, practice mindfulness by acknowledging them without judgment. Say to yourself, “I notice I’m feeling anxious, and that’s okay. It’s a normal human reaction. I’ll do my best.”
   • Self-Criticism: “I shouldn’t be feeling anxious. I’m not good enough to handle this.”
   • Self-Compassion: “It’s okay to feel anxious; it’s a natural response to stress. I can acknowledge these feelings without judgment and work through them.”